there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
