Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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