This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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