my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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