So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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