Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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