True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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