It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
