I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
