I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
