My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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