So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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