Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
