even my farts smell like vagina
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
