Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
