I got chris browned last night
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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