It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
