I will die if light touches me.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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