my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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