Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
