First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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