I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
