Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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