I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
