I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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