bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
