I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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