i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
