We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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