Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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