Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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