she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
