if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
