at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
