that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
