I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
