i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Michael Bay diarrhea
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
