My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
