1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
