I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
