Can i not drive my cunt home
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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