I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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