On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize