Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Sext me about skeletons
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
