How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
