the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
