I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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