Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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