Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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