i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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