I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
