Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
