2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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