just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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