I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
