She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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