nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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