just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
