Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
