Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
