all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
