Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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