Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
